i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
