Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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