I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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