Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
