He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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