you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
