If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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