I wish I could teleport
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
