i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
