forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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