someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
