Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
