so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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