im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
