is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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