So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
