i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
