its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
