I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
