ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
