my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
