He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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