How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
