K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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