john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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