So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
