no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Is Oprah even human
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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