He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
