So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
