Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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