No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
