im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
