my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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