Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
