I will die if light touches me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
