Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
