I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
