Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
