When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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