I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You ruined the universe
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
