we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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