Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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