I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
