hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
