Someone shit on the floor
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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