You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize