the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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