a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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