In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
