Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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