I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
