I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
