I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
