Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
