Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
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