So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
