I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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