Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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