I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
His hands were made for my vagina.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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