happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
