today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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